I’m generally a very happy person . I experience other emotions too, though normally I am some type of happy- excited, content, giddy. But at some point during the summer I started feeling down; having a sad day isn’t unusual but this manifested into a sad week… where my brain felt numb to the point where I stopped feeling dejected and just felt emotionless.
I don’t know what caused this and it was the first time I experienced something like this to this level. I called this period of time my “bad brain days”. It eventually passed after I took a visit to Dublin and my close friend and I went on to visit Kilkenny. The escape helped me realign myself.
More recently I experienced an evening of feeling very anxious. In moments like these I often turn to pen and paper; here’s what I wrote about the night.
It’s Thursday night. The week has been very long. Every morning I dread the morning commute. Holding on to the yellow rails, stopping and starting for what feels like forever. I’m crammed against kids with backpacks the size of suitcases and dead eyed office workers. It’s my second week back in college, I’m not drowning yet but I’m floating. Everything is being managed- from societies, social events, course work, Erasmus forms and blogging. Everyday I feel like I’m doing something.
This week was particularly full on because it was societies week. Our society is fresh and new and it’s everyone’s first time doing something like this so everything is a learning process; from making posters, managing social networks and trying to pull together a committee. While spending 5 hours most days at a table trying to convince people why they should join.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I just feel overwhelmed.
I was supposed to go out tonight, but it filled me with anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being over dramatic and just convincing myself I’m anxious. I was on my way home from town with plans to head back in after I made myself up, yet the idea of making the commute back in and socialising filled me with dread. So instead I arrived home and began a mad cleaning frenzy; doing my laundry, taking out the bins… looking from the outside in, this was definitely my way of feeling like I was gaining back control. After all that was done, I ate pasta, took a hot shower and buried myself under my duvet.
There’s days that I will push my anxiety to one side and then there’s days I will give in and retreat back into my bed. Both are ok.
I know it’s not always as easy to fix our anxiety or sadness by just taking a shower or going on a mini break; but I hope that if you’re going through the same thing, know you’re not alone.
If it is any use to you I will leave some link so some really helpful websites.